"Do not outsource your happiness" (On manufacturing your happiness)

You know what is funny about today?  I received a message from someone I absolutely despise that said  "Do not outsource your own happiness". It was thinly veiled mockery from someone whom I had previously given the power to break me, and someone who abused that power over and over again because I had let them. The message absolutely triggered me, but I think the interesting thing about it is that yesterday, I wanted to write this post about manufacturing your own happiness.

I think the universe was trying to tell me to do better for myself, to take accountability, to get the f*ck up. As someone who is a bit of an expert on outsourced happiness, I'll first start off by telling you what it does to you over time.

You create giants out of ants: Making someone else the source of your happiness could take even the most uninteresting, unimportant people and elevate them in your world. They gain a certain level of control over you. They could decide at will what to make of your day, and you are left at the mercy of their whims. It's a dangerous risk to be taking. Give this power to a broken, unloved person, and they will leave you feeling broken and unloved. They might not want to, but people are only capable of giving what they have. 

This was sort of the situation in my case. This was someone who usually felt somewhat lost and confused, and who cared so little, the effects their actions would have on anyone. I came out frequently at the other end hoping they would see the havoc they were capable of causing, and choose to do better, hoping that since they had the switch to my happiness, they would treat it delicately. Do not make such a mistake.

You find yourself shrinking: When you let someone control that switch. Every time they flip it recklessly, you grow a little smaller, and you get a little more desperate. Interestingly, in my case, because I could consciously see myself growing smaller, I hated myself a little more for still relying on this person to make me happy. The more the cycle continued, the more I hated myself, the more I hated myself, the more I felt I needed to prove to myself that I did not make a mistake by relinquishing control in this way. So I felt I needed to keep proving to the person why they should flip the switch the right way. On and on and on it went. Sometimes it felt as though I remembered I could take the switch back, and when I did, I handed it right back to them because I got used to not knowing how to use it by myself.

I am in the worst position to give tips on this, but yesterday went great for me, and today, not so much. These are some things I took note of.

Yesterday: I slept well enough. This little thing that seems insignificant makes a world of difference. When I woke up, I played good music, danced, and ate a decent meal. I was determined that nothing was going to ruin my day. It seemed as simple as that. I got to my classes in high spirits, spoke with my friends, and felt like I had seized the day. When negative thoughts crept into my mind, I refused to let them sit there, and I got myself thinking and doing other things that could make me happy.

I should have left the house with a book, because in the evening, as I sat on the bus thinking how well the day was going, I let these sad thoughts slowly creep in. I got a little angry, and thought I should write down why I felt that way. I started writing, and then I got angrier and angrier, and I lost hold of my emotions. This was the way I went to bed.

Today: I woke up with anger, rage, and malice in my heart, and the more I fed them, the larger they grew, till I found myself shaking and almost exploding. At some point during the day, I found myself nauseous because of how I felt towards this person, and not knowing what to do with these emotions since I could not reach them.

I wanted this person to feel pain, and I was convinced that their feeling pain would make me feel better about myself, and the reckless decisions I had made. It did not. Though for the sake of clarity, it does not mean that I do not want them to be unhappy and hurt and miserable like I let them make me feel. However, that is not up to me, and they could very well be living a full and fulfilled life because they choose to protect their happiness. Accepting that, and focusing on my own happiness, rather than their misery is the only way for me to actually take back control and create my own happiness.

As happiness is not literally a switch, and is honestly not a constant state of mind, do not feel the need to keep chasing happiness. Sometimes accept sadness, or boredom, or failure. Accept mistakes and the humanness in you to sometimes do what is easy, instead of what is right for you. Doing that is most helpful, rather than trying to always make the easy thing the right thing. Sometimes it is, but not every time.

Accept anger too, it is a normal, (sometimes) wonderful emotion, which needs to be controlled. It is even sometimes righteous. Embrace it, but not too tightly. I even encourage a little pettiness, but within reasonable limits.

Do the simple things. They make all the difference. Go to the gym, watch a show, read a book, listen to a podcast, dance in front of your mirror (it is a marvelous thing to do, trust me), talk to your friends, give someone a hug. Remember that there is love at home, or with people who should never make you feel inadequate.

Allow some emotions pass through you without acting on them. Just sit with them sometimes. Most times they will pass, both negative and positive ones. Savour the positive emotions as much as you possibly can and learn to ride the waves of negative emotions. Feel free to do this with the help of a friend. 

Be vulnerable, but have a little pride. Open up a little, but leave some things to the imagination, except for very special people. You will know them when you see them, and if you think they are not it, then do not start opening up to them at all.

Find your community.

Give yourself grace. Life is tough and even the best of us do stupid things. You are better off than you were yesterday, because you chose yourself as from today. If you stumble while at it, get up and start again. You are better off than you were yesterday, because you chose yourself as from today. Seriously, try to remember that.