Your presence is your present (On the right way to show up for a friend)

My friends are the great loves of my life. There are a few of them in particular, without whom I could not do life. Hopefully, after this time, I never have to do life again, but if I did, I'd ask whoever has chosen to punish me, to mollify my penance by making sure I come back together with them. Regardless of this truth, friendships are not just candy and sparkles. They are relationships that deserve to be cultivated and pruned, just like romantic relationships. They are as beautiful, satisfying, and fulfilling as any other type of relationship, and sometimes as difficult. I am glad that in popular media, they are starting to get the recognition that they truly deserve.

I often tell this story about one of my dearest friends. When we were in high school (secondary school), I was ostracized for a period of time, partly due to my childish interference in matters that hardly concerned me, and partly due to someone's malicious actions towards me. I remember the night it happened like it was yesterday. It was in a boarding school, and a mob of girls had followed me back to my room screaming and shouting at me. I hope I do not blaspheme, but it gave me a very vague idea of what it must have felt like as Jesus walked to his place of crucifixion with his cross. I did not know how to feel, or really, what to do. In a show of bravado, I got to my room and sat on my bed, wearing a wry smile, while the crowd stood in front of me and rained insults on me. Sitting by my side, was my friend, who looked more than a little afraid, but who sat with me, nonetheless. 

A statement of note, by one of the members of the mob, was that I would suffer as a result of my actions; I'd be lonely, friendless, and desperate, and as a result, I would have to really think through the consequences of my actions. They said this, with occasional glances at my friend who said nothing, and who after some time, had to even put her head down, to avoid further harassment. These events had transpired on a Saturday evening. On Sunday mornings, we would usually have chapel, and I would always go with this my friend. The next morning, it was as though nothing about my life had changed. My friend came to get me the next morning, so that we would go together, and while she was with me, some students from the grades above us, once again, came to warn me that my actions would earn me an extremely difficult time at the school. They also made sure to pass some light warnings to my friend about how she would bear the consequences, if she continued to hang with me. Yet, nothing changed.

I am more than happy to share with you, that my life was exactly the same. As an adult, I look back at the events of that time period and I think, firstly, how matters of grave insignificance are elevated and overblown in teenage environments. Secondly, how these matters of grave insignificance, sometimes leave a lasting impact on one's life, depending on how they play out. Loneliness is not at all a pleasant experience. I can imagine that for a teenage girl, loneliness and ostracization would have left their marks on me. However, because I had just one person by my side, the right kind of person, that time period went by uneventfully, and soon everyone fell back in line. I did not feel lonely, for even one second. In no time, it was business as usual.

While it is important to note that friends like this one are one in a million, I must also say that had she not stood by me openly, as I went through some teenage nonsense, I would hardly hold it against her. Had she decided to stick with me only in secret, and comfort me clandestinely, she would still have some of my heartfelt gratitude. But I am infinitely more grateful that she embodied (for the teenage years), "a friend in need, is a friend in deed." I am more than happy to announce that, despite the passing of time and the sea of distance between us, she is still one of my favourite people on earth; she is still one of my fiercest supporters. You can rest assured that without a doubt, I am hers, too.

Friendships seem to mostly be evaluated on "obvious" moments of test. Understandably so. But what happens when the moments are not demonstrably too difficult, but you see a friend making mistakes that would hurt them? What is the right way to tell a friend, "you are being a little stupid"?  What happens when a friend shuts you out due to shame? What happens when you can sense a friend drowning, but they insist on pushing you away? What happens when you both feel helpless in the face of a giant problem? What do you do when it feels as though your words of comfort hold no water, given the circumstances?

Be there. Sit with them. Show up. The answer to any question you can think of is that you should simply be the kind of friend of whom it is said, "I know I can count on them." Give them the gift of your availability. Pick up the phone when they call, even if you have nothing to say to them; show them you are listening. Give them a tissue when they cry, and if you are close by, give them a hug too. Sometimes they may not want any advice, just a space in which to scream and rant, and a shoulder on which to cry. Create that space for them, but be in it with them. When they ask to be left alone, give them the space they need, but do not go too far away. When they make foolish mistakes, shake your head at them, and tug them lightly by the ear, but tell them you will still be there, regardless of the consequences of their mistake. When they repeat these foolish mistakes, tell them you have been there throughout, so you can see that there is no wisdom in the path they are taking; again, remind them that nevertheless, your absence will not ever be used to punish them for their mistakes. It will be your turn to be silly tomorrow, and you know for sure, they'll walk down that road with you. When it is your turn, let them be helpful and useful to you. It makes them very excited to show up for you in their own little ways.

This is assuming your friends are reasonable enough to not abuse this priceless gift you have for them, and you are sensible enough to not take them and their gift for granted. Regardless of this, there will be disagreements, because you are different people. As uncomfortable as they may be, do not shy away from them. Again, you have to be there, and you have to believe that this is a friend worth fighting for; you have to view them as somewhat indispensable, such that even within your disagreements, you know that reconciliation is imperative since you both will not be going anywhere, anytime soon. With luck, you have the kinds of friends who view you this way too. As usual, you must have grace to give to each other when you mess up.

This does not mean that friendships cannot come to an end, or that you must continue to force a connection where one no longer exists. If your values no longer align with your friend's, it is okay to allow some distance grow between you. If your friend continually belittles you, or takes your kindness for granted, it is okay to nip it in the bud. If you have tried to intervene, without success, if your friend makes it clear that they are only able to choose and prioritize their comfort over anything else, regardless of the situation, be careful not to hold on to unnecessary hope. Such will be an exercise in futility. 

Hopefully, life is kind enough not to test you with situations that could break even the strongest of wills. In any case, I hope you are lucky enough to have the kind of people who will sit by your side, through the darkest of times; those who will hear the faintest sound of your voice, even on the stormiest nights; the kind of people who have for you an abundance, an endless supply of the gift of their presence.