Let's talk about sex (on making hits when you're hitting it)

Fuck me. I have truly come a long way. When I first discovered the joy of self-pleasuring, I would be so guilt-ridden after each episode that I would employ extreme preventative measures: I would ask god to kill me if I attempted it again. I, of course, still did it time and time again, and I lived with this shame. Until one day, I fearfully mentioned this to one of my closest friends who did not seem to think this was such a big deal. Her reaction was no reaction; she acted as though it was a completely normal thing to do and even let me know that I was not alone. That conversation changed the course of my life; from that day onwards, I treated sexuality as a normal and acceptable part of human existence. 

As such, I navigate sex without shame, and within certain logical boundaries which I set for myself. I enjoy sensuality and pleasure, and I employ moderation, as one should, in all things. In that vein, I've been listening to my body over the last couple of years, as she has put up resistance due to the dungeons of emotional turmoil that an agent of darkness had thrown me into.

But just as god did not kill teenage me, the devil could not keep me down for too long. Now, I am back, better and with more than a couple of things to say on this exciting topic. 

First and foremost, consent is and always will be extremely sexy. Before and during sex. Ask if you can kiss them. Ask if you can try something. Ask before you cum in or on them. No such thing as pre-consenting. Dead that rubbish. It holds no legal water, at least in a sane world. Consent is only valid at the time it was given, and can be withdrawn at any time.

Get tested; use protection. Although we do not STI-shame over here, we preach prevention and protection every day. Act grown, take care of your sexual health.

Be attracted to your partner. I know it goes without saying, but goodness me. People are punishing themselves and their sexual partners by not sticking to this very basic concept.

Smell nice. 

Moan: Please, for the love of all things sensual, it's hot to hear. You are not a wooden bench. Make us know you're at least alive. If you cannot moan because it goes against the tenets of masculinity, let us at least hear your breathing. 

Vocalize/communicate: Tell them they look sexy, and that they feel good. Tell them what they're doing to you, and what they make you want to do. Acknowledge what you're doing to them, if it's obvious. Ask what they like. Say what you like. Say what you do not like. Don't just make assumptions or assume your partner might know.

Don't rush into asking if you own any body parts, and don't request that they call you a parental figure if these things have not come up before. No, it isn't you or yours.

Use your eyes: Don't be afraid to actually look at your partner. Eye contact is everything. Flirt with your eyes. Look at them before and during the act. But like...in a sensual way. Don't overdo it; it can get a little creepy. Watch your partner. Really, take them in as they experience pleasure- the pleasure you give them, and the pleasure they give themself. 

Use your tongue: everywhere you logically can. Tie it around another tongue. Eat, lick, slurp. 

You can bite, but not too much. A nibble is fine.

Toys are neither competitors nor enemies: They're your friends, and they're an especially helpful tool for you and your partner's pleasure. Use them. Watch your partner use them. 

An extremely large penis is an ego boost for you and your boys: A normal size is just as nice. Don't think because you have a huge one that you don't need to know how to use it. It just hurts when you don't know what you're doing, and we are all complaining about it. 

You don't got it like Christian Grey: I'm going to be honest, I don't think that in this day and age even Christian Grey still has it like that. Chill out. Using please and asking for something can get you as far as you think barking commands will get you (I do not mean in the context of pressuring someone into doing anything). I like a good boy too, but you don't see me giving commands to anyone without being sure that that's the type of thing they're on. Let's not embarrass ourselves.

Switch up the roles: sometimes be in control, other times, be controlled. 

Take a break. Have a laugh. It's not a marathon, and it's not pornography. You're supposed to be having fun.

Actually listen to your partner: You're not there to put on a one- man show. 

Fantasize, but don't let it be the death of you: Share your fantasies, but have some sense. Go into detail but don't get too carried away. No need to let your partner know that you've fantasized about someone close to them, unless that's the type of shit you're both on. If so, then please, carry on. 

Know your partner enough to know if your kinks are acceptable to them. If not, play it safe. Don't make people uncomfortable.

Go slow. The build-up is sexy. Tension is sexy.

Go fast. Unbridled desire is also sexy.

Jealousy can be an aphrodisiac, but don't push it. 

Sort out your religious guilt before or after, if you have any, not during. 

Otherwise, don't have sex if you are not comfortable, for whatever reason.

Don't give people who do not respect you any access to your body. 

Experiment, have fun, take care of you and your partner. Aftercare is especially important to tie up the experience.

With these commandments, I urge you to go and find carnal pleasure in this life of sin.